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Waiting for Dad to get out of work. (the car was parked, I promise)

As with most things in life, there is only so much advice someone can offer- you just have to experience it for yourself to truly understand.  I find that it is this way with motherhood. No matter how many women in my life told me what it was like- the good, the bad and the ugly, I just didn’t get it until I experienced it myself. So here I am, on the other side of pregnancy and childbirth. I am now a bonafide “mommy”. And how does it feel? To be honest, wonderful. And terrifying. And exhausting. And indescribably beautiful.

Let’s just say it’s a game changer.

Never in my life did I think something could push me so far to the end of myself. Never did I think I could love someone so much that demanded so much from me. I didn’t know how much I had to give, until she came into the world and opened up the depths of my capacity for love, patience, and sleeplessness. There were at least a handful of nights where I sobbed, and sobbed. Literally feeling that I could simply not survive another moment without sleep. (let’s make note here, that I am one of those who NEEDS my sleep. Definitely not one of those moms who “just loves” those 4am feedings). There were nights when I resented her for needing me so much. Nights when I just wanted my solitude back, for one moment. Nights when I felt things that were the furthest from motherly love, and mornings full of guilt for those feelings.

But in the morning… she would smile. She would look up at me. And every moment of sleeplessness wouldn’t matter anymore. It was as though there was a cosmic “reset” button on every moment. My heart would just overflow with love all over again. I would remember how much I prayed for her, pleaded with God for her, the tears I cried in the night, just wishing for her to come into my life. I would remember that I am her world, that she needs me, and only me right now. And that makes me feel so special.

Babies have a way of forcing you to live in the moment. And I need that. There is no planning, no checklist, no measurement of efficiency and productivity. You just have now. This moment, this opportunity to be with them, love them, hold them, be their security, their protection. I have had to let go of my need for a perfectly clean house, a completed task list, and a sense of worldly achievement. For now, none of that matters. God has given me a gift, and I would be a fool to not stop and completely relish each moment, to the best of my ability. Because as every mother has told me, “they grow up so fast”. But I guess I’ll have to wait and experience that too. For now, I will just hold her, and smother her with kisses at every possible chance. Because that’s what you do with a gift- you cherish it.

She:

Has completely stolen my heart. I honestly was not a kid or baby person prior to this. I keep marveling at how I just wasn’t that excited about babies- they just seemed like little blobby humans that squirmed and pooped and cried. But having one of your own changes everything. I know her little personality already! Her funny faces, her laughs, smiles, and her “I’m pooping” face. Which is actually amusing to me. Who knew this little human could turn me and her dad into mushy balls of mushness.

Is laughing and smiling all the time now. Every morning when we wake up, we spend at least ten minutes just cracking up in each other’s faces. She is actually making little coo and squeal noises now, which makes it even more awesome. She does this with her dad as well!

Gets excited and starts breathing really heavily and spastically kicking her leg. This is also hilarious.

Loves to stare at colorful things and lights. She gets happy and laughs at them. I put her in front of a picture of Ray Charles the other day, and they had a lovely little conversation. She was mesmerized. Hey, gotta start her off early with the musical greats.

Smiles in her sleep, and when I sing to her. This makes me the happiest person on the planet.

Stares intently at people’s faces, and checks them out. This kid is focused.

Is starting to sleep in her crib and bassinet- the first few weeks home, she would simply sleep nowhere but right next to me. This made me nervous, as I had heard about the “dangers of cosleeping”, but after talking to some folks and doing a little research, I learned that it’s not as bad as people think. It can actually help regulate the baby’s breathing patterns and heart rate at night. I just needed to get sleep, and so we did what we had to do. But now when she falls asleep in her bassinet, I still hold her hand. I might miss her just a little. She is quite snuggly.

Has been one amazing little traveler. She sleeps in her car seat better than anywhere. Matt loves taking her out and about, it is their bonding time. He actually took her to the mall on Christmas Eve! Crazy, I know. She has already been to my work, several coffee shops around town, the pediatrician a few times, our small group, and my friend’s 30th birthday party! Here’s to getting out of the house.

I:

Am healing really well from surgery. I had a doctor appointment yesterday, and I am all clear to return to normal activities. I was already driving (ssshh), but now I can go back to the gym, which makes me very happy.

Have three more weeks left of maternity leave, and am wondering how in the world I am going to spend any time away from this precious girl. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I am enjoying this special time together and just living in the moment.

Am loving cloth diapering! Not as hard as I thought it would be, thanks to the help of a good friend who held my hand in the beginning and showed me what to buy and how to put them on her.

Am getting more sleep than I thought at this point. There have been some super rough nights with many tears (on my part and hers), but she is now sleeping up to four hours in between nighttime feedings. What a champ.

Am so excited to watch how this little one grows!

For more pictures of Evie’s first month, click here.

To listen to her playlist on Spotify, click here.

I’ve always know that I wanted to write, teach, and make a difference in people’s lives, but I was never really sure how that would happen- what I would actually “do” on a daily basis. Now I know. Coaching is a perfect fit, and I truly believe that God will allow me to utilize these new skills to make a significant impact in the lives of my clients and those around me through what I have learned. I am so excited to share it with anyone who is looking for positive growth in their life. There is no gimmick, no “quick fix”- it involves hard work and determination, but through this training I have come to understand the power of a meaningful conversation, and what a coach can do to truly help someone transform their life.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to where God will take this new adventure! For more information on coaching, click here.