When I came home from the hospital, I had no idea how long the healing process would actually take. Being young and healthy had also made me very impatient with being sick! But I really tried to listen to my body, and create a balance between pushing myself and allowing myself time to heal. All of the pills that I had been placed on after being released  from the hospital had given me some awful side effects, and I was also prescribed an anti-depressant for anxiety and panic.  After a few weeks, I knew that this had to change, or I would be stuck depending on prescriptions. Please don’t misunderstand me- drugs are amazing to have when they are most needed. But the last thing I wanted was to become dependent on a chemical substance to maintain my well being over the long term.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and sometimes you know when He has purposefully put you in someone’s path. This is what happened with my friend and naturopath Leslie Shew, who owns Synergy Mind and Body Wellness here in Nashville.  I met her in our new Cross Point Church community group, and shared my story with her. She also shared with me how she suffered from severe panic and a plethora of health problems for years, until she began to study natural wellness. I promptly scheduled an appointment, and could not believe how much I learned during the consultation.

After doing a Meridian Stress Assessment and talking extensively with me, Leslie helped me understand how to tailor my diet to optimize my health, which included avoiding wheat/gluten and dairy products. She also recommended certain supplements from Nature’s Sunshine company, including Chlorophyll, Probiotics, Silver Shield, and my most favorite, Nutri-Calm. A few weeks after being released I found myself back in the emergency room due to chest pains, which turned out to be a panic symptom. The Nutri-Calm tablets literally made the chest pains disappear within days. I recommend them for anyone who is under any type of stress.

Another therapy that I am participating in is called EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a treatment that allows your mind to reprocess traumatizing events, thereby “training” your brain to process these negative memories in a  new way. For example, when I think about some of the traumatic things that happened, such as the bleeding or passing out, this therapy helps me to identify the triggers and not be overtaken by panic and negative emotions. It helps you to separate yourself from the past events and look at them objectively, rather than suffering through them all over again every day. It is working well, and I highly recommend it for anyone who has been through a traumatizing event in their life that still haunts them.

These are some of the things I have done to promote healing in my body and mind, along with TONS of prayer, and being sure to utilize the support systems I have in place such as good friends and family. I truly believe that people can be completely healed, body, mind and spirit, and although I know my health is ultimately in God’s hands, I want to do everything I can to steward my body well. Please feel free to leave a comment of you have any questions about the products and services mentioned above!

One of the things that I did when I first began to grieve (besides cry, alot), was to write. I have noticed through this process that suffering brings about much creativity. It goes back as far as David and the Psalms- the trials that we face give rise to the heights of our creative ability. Expressing our grief, whether through song, art or the written word is woven throughout human history. It is a gift. When I first found out that I was pregnant, I began a journal to the “Bean”, as I called it. The following poem is the last thing that I wrote the day after we found out. I was outside with the dog, and I heard a bird chirping. It triggered something inside of me, and I went upstairs and wrote this in five minutes.

I’ll See You in the Spring

Can you hear the sparrow sing? Do you know it’s tone, it’s ring? When the leaves are off their branches can you see them in the breeze?

Can you see the sun, it’s light? It’s rays stretched out in warm delight? Can you feel the softest wind as it blows through here and back again?

I’ll see you in the spring my child, I’ll see you in the spring. When all is new, the world is green, and all is right that’s ever been.

Can you hear my whispering voice? Do you know it’s tone, it’s ring? Can you feel my heart break too, at the very thought of you?

I’ll see you in the spring my child, I’ll see you in the spring. When all is new, the world is green, and all is right that’s ever been.

Another way that I worked through the grieving process was to create a video montage. It is a montage of us and all our loved ones, family and friends, who would have been a part of this baby’s life. It reminds me of all the great times we’ve had with those people, and how dear they are to me. I know it may seem a bit cheesy to some, and I debated with myself whether or not to share it. But it was definitely something that helped me “memorialize” my baby and bring some closure. The song is Adele’s “To Make You Feel My Love”. I honestly don’t know how a person can get through pain and loss without three things: faith, family, and friends. These have been my saving grace, and I hope that my story, and the things that I have learned, can bring hope and healing to someone else.

True friendship means always knowing the other person will be there.

It means they will always be honest.

Want the best for you.

Put up with your eccentricities with grace.

Do the things others aren’t willing to do.

Get there early and stay late.

Rejoice in your successes.

Mourn with you in your grief.

Laugh at your jokes.

Make you feel special when you don’t feel special.

Say thank you.

See past your mask when you are too afraid to take it off yourself.

Remember things.

Keep promises.

Make time.

Pray for you and with you.

Tell you if you have hurt them, and forgive you when you apologize.

Encourage you to pursue your dreams.

Always be on your side.

Extend kindness toward you.

Engage you in meaningful conversation.

Have fun and be silly with you.

Be themselves around you.

Inspire you to be a better person.

Teach you to expand your thinking.

Impart wisdom to you.

Recommend good books.

Love you unconditionally- true friendship means you know that you are safe with another person. That no matter how bad you screw up, they will still love you. For who you are. Not because you are an amazing, deserving person. Not because you are a good person to know, or will help them climb the social ladder. You know that these are the people who will never leave your life, no matter what. They are few, but those people are the ones who will walk through life with you, the ups and downs, and will be by your side through it all. You don’t need more than a few, but if you have even one you know how much they mean to you.

About three weeks ago, my husband and I received the heartbreaking news that the baby I had been carrying for twelve weeks stopped growing at six. The official diagnosis was “embryonic demise”. I’ll never forget seeing those words on the paper that my midwife handed to me. I felt numb all over. It seemed as though all the emotions I had felt- the excitement, the love, the growing bond with this little child inside of me, had simply been a cruel joke.

We had no idea what was coming next, however. After going through the painful process of passing the baby, I began to hemorrhage. Badly. My husband and I waited a few hours because we weren’t sure what to do, but then I completely lost consciousness. The next few days were a blur of hospital rooms, exams, doctors, needles, IV fluids, blood transfusions, and then ultimately, a surgery to stop the bleeding. When we returned home, the process did not get any easier, as I had a long way to go to build my blood count back up. I am healing now, and the doctors have told me in about 2 more weeks I should feel completely back to normal.

Needless to say, I have had a great deal of time to think and process this experience. I am certainly still healing emotionally, and will be for some time I’m sure. But this blog has always been a place where I feel that I can be honest, and share what I am learning about life with you. So that’s what I would like to do now. I consider it a part of my healing process, and I truly hope that anyone who ever had had to go through this will be encouraged by my words as well. It may seem trite to put this into bullet points, but that is the best way I know how to synthesize the indescribable revelations I have received from this gut wrenching experience.

- I didn’t have a true, healthy fear of the Lord. I certainly do now. I read in Proverbs that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”, but I never truly understood what it meant. I am grateful that now I can grasp that, and stand in complete awe and reverence of the God who gives and who takes away.

- Life is a miracle, and life is fragile. I will never again take for granted the fact that a child can be conceived, grow and be born healthy. It is an utter miracle that everything works so perfectly as to make this happen. No one’s life is a waste- if you were born, God meant for you to be. Trust me.

- Good health is a blessing. I used to be so confident in my body, in my health, and my body’s ability to achieve things for which I took complete credit. I took pride in being healthy and fit. Being healthy isn’t wrong- but I now have a totally new understanding of who is in charge of my body. I can’t achieve a successful pregnancy just because I avoid bad foods and do yoga. God is in control of everything that happens to me, good or bad. And my attitude should be one of thankfulness for every day that I get to wake up and feel great.

- Sometimes, God grants us a severe mercy. We just have to be able to see it. I’m not sure why this happened to me, but I know that God is in control. All of the physical drama I went through took my focus off the miscarriage,  and helped me to see the bigger picture. Instead of waking up and mourning the loss of my child, I was just happy that I woke up at all. A whole new sense of perspective came from that experience. For some people it may just seem like one crappy thing after another, but I have to believe that God was trying to open my eyes, and help me see how He was working in the situation. Please don’t get me wrong- I am still so grieved over the loss. But I am grateful as well.

- We can choose how we respond. I could be angry, bitter and mad at God. I’m pretty sure nobody would fault me for that. But how does that help me? What kind of person does that turn me into? It is in the most scary and awful moments in life that we realize if our faith is actually real to us. Outside of that, it’s just words. But when I needed God, He was there. He comforted me when I was sick, and He gave me peace when I was scared. I made a decision that I was going to believe that God is good, no matter what my circumstances told me. Because that is the truth. And without it, I don’t know what I would do.

- I am a blessed woman. Throughout this ordeal, I have been surrounded by the love of family and friends, and the prayers of the saints. I have literally felt the healing prayers of friends in my physical body, and been nourished by the comforting words and tears of those who are grieving with me. I have been fed, literally, by the many hot meals that have been brought to my house. I have learned how to say “thank you”, and to receive from others. I have had conversations with my parents that have brought us closer, and I have witnessed my husband rise to the occasion as the amazing, strong, and loving man that he is. I have been humbled to recognize how blessed I truly am.