Hilary Barnett

This past month has been one full of suprises- the not so great kind. But it has also been a month full of profound revelation, and the heights and depths of this human experience we call life.

About three weeks ago, my husband and I received the heartbreaking news that the baby I had been carrying for twelve weeks stopped growing at six. The official diagnosis was “embryonic demise”. I’ll never forget seeing those words on the paper that my midwife handed to me. I felt numb all over. It seemed as though all the emotions I had felt- the excitement, the love, the growing bond with this little child inside of me, had simply been a cruel joke.

We had no idea what was coming next, however. After going through the painful process of passing the baby, I began to hemorrhage. Badly. My husband and I waited a few hours because we weren’t sure what to do, but then I completely lost consciousness. The next few days were a blur of hospital rooms, exams, doctors, needles, IV fluids, blood transfusions, and then ultimately, a surgery to stop the bleeding. When we returned home, the process did not get any easier, as I had a long way to go to build my blood count back up. I am healing now, and the doctors have told me in about 2 more weeks I should feel completely back to normal.

Needless to say, I have had a great deal of time to think and process this experience. I am certainly still healing emotionally, and will be for some time I’m sure. But this blog has always been a place where I feel that I can be honest, and share what I am learning about life with you. So that’s what I would like to do now. I consider it a part of my healing process, and I truly hope that anyone who ever had had to go through this will be encouraged by my words as well. It may seem trite to put this into bullet points, but that is the best way I know how to synthesize the indescribable revelations I have received from this gut wrenching experience.

- I didn’t have a true, healthy fear of the Lord. I certainly do now. I read in Proverbs that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”, but I never truly understood what it meant. I am grateful that now I can grasp that, and stand in complete awe and reverence of the God who gives and who takes away.

- Life is a miracle, and life is fragile. I will never again take for granted the fact that a child can be conceived, grow and be born healthy. It is an utter miracle that everything works so perfectly as to make this happen. No one’s life is a waste- if you were born, God meant for you to be. Trust me.

- Good health is a blessing. I used to be so confident in my body, in my health, and my body’s ability to achieve things for which I took complete credit. I took pride in being healthy and fit. Being healthy isn’t wrong- but I now have a totally new understanding of who is in charge of my body. I can’t achieve a successful pregnancy just because I avoid bad foods and do yoga. God is in control of everything that happens to me, good or bad. And my attitude should be one of thankfulness for every day that I get to wake up and feel great.

- Sometimes, God grants us a severe mercy. We just have to be able to see it. I’m not sure why this happened to me, but I know that God is in control. All of the physical drama I went through took my focus off the miscarriage,  and helped me to see the bigger picture. Instead of waking up and mourning the loss of my child, I was just happy that I woke up at all. A whole new sense of perspective came from that experience. For some people it may just seem like one crappy thing after another, but I have to believe that God was trying to open my eyes, and help me see how He was working in the situation. Please don’t get me wrong- I am still so grieved over the loss. But I am grateful as well.

- We can choose how we respond. I could be angry, bitter and mad at God. I’m pretty sure nobody would fault me for that. But how does that help me? What kind of person does that turn me into? It is in the most scary and awful moments in life that we realize if our faith is actually real to us. Outside of that, it’s just words. But when I needed God, He was there. He comforted me when I was sick, and He gave me peace when I was scared. I made a decision that I was going to believe that God is good, no matter what my circumstances told me. Because that is the truth. And without it, I don’t know what I would do.

- I am a blessed woman. Throughout this ordeal, I have been surrounded by the love of family and friends, and the prayers of the saints. I have literally felt the healing prayers of friends in my physical body, and been nourished by the comforting words and tears of those who are grieving with me. I have been fed, literally, by the many hot meals that have been brought to my house. I have learned how to say “thank you”, and to receive from others. I have had conversations with my parents that have brought us closer, and I have witnessed my husband rise to the occasion as the amazing, strong, and loving man that he is. I have been humbled to recognize how blessed I truly am.