Stream of Consciousness (sort of).

Today was not a good day. It’s amazing to me how I can literally go from being on a mountaintop one day to a dark valley the next. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, and that’s just how we operate. I literally sat in front of my computer at work, unable to get anything done. All I could do was think about all the things I wanted to do that I am not doing, and those thoughts completely paralyzed me. It doesn’t make any logical sense- you would think that if you were dreaming about what could be, it would motivate you to action. To move forward. But for some reason my thoughts trivialized my current work to the point that I couldn’t even manage to send out an intelligible e-mail. A massive headache and the simple overwhelming frustration sent me home early at 2:30pm, headed for a long much needed nap.

Here is what I was thinking about:

- I would like to make money as a writer someday. Why am I not writing for magazines? Why am I not spending my time honing my skills, pursuing that dream? Why don’t I blog enough? Why do I feel like my blogs are losing focus and generally sucking?

- I dream about becoming a professor and finishing my MDiv, and possibly getting a PhD. Why am I not in school? What am I actually doing that is moving me forward? I am easily restless, I know. But it can be maddening to feel like you aren’t chasing after those things that you are truly passionate about, simply because you don’t have enough time or money.

- I want that exhilarating feeling again of utilizing my full potential, being challenged, and going after something- knowing that I am making those small decisions, every day, that are pushing me into an exciting future. I don’t want to constantly compare myself to others, but I definitely don’t want to look back in ten years, and feel like I just settled for a mediocre life because it was easy. One of my favorite quotes is “well behaved women rarely make history.” I don’t want to be well behaved. I want to leave my mark on this world, whatever that means, and there is nothing that can tear that desire away from me.  I will fight to make it happen.

- Why is it so hard for me to spend enough time with those that I truly care about?  What is it that always gets in the way? Work, meetings, events, even volunteering and service, seem to want to always pull me away from community. You would think that these things would foster true community. But they don’t. You have to actually sit down, take a deep breath, and look someone in the eye for more than two seconds. That is hard to do. You have to make it happen, and decide who is worth your time and who isn’t. Boundaries and saying no- I’m still learning how to do that, so that I can really be there for those who are most important to me.

After all these crazy thoughts, and a long nap, I went to Publix to pick up some dinner for a friend who just had her second child, and is home recovering. As I was pulling into the parking lot, I passed a young man who was pushing carts. He had a huge infectious smile, and he waved at me as I pulled into my spot.  When I finished shopping and was headed through the checkout line, he was there bagging groceries. I saw the name “Ellis” on his shirt. It was clear from observing him that he had some kind of disorder that most likely kept him bagging groceries at Publix. But he was smiling, and saying “have a great night” to everyone who came through. And I could tell that he meant every word.  I couldn’t peel my eyes away from him- his smile simply lifted my spirits. I thought about what his life may be like- I don’t know, but I am guessing it hasn’t been easy. I made some small talk with him about the weather as I left, and he smiled again and told me to “have a great night.” As I walked out the door, tears welled up in my eyes. It was as if God was reminding me, after an entire day of feeling completely discouraged, of how good I really had it. And if Ellis could smile, why couldn’t I? He is making his mark on the world by bagging groceries and being genuinely kind to people. I know this sounds like a cheesy e-mail forward, but I am telling you this was powerful. It hit me hard in the gut. And I’m grateful for those gentle reminders.