On Life, Love and Loss.

Published February 2, 2010 Babies , Life , Spirituality 6 Comments
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This past month has been one full of suprises- the not so great kind. But it has also been a month full of profound revelation, and the heights and depths of this human experience we call life.

About three weeks ago, my husband and I received the heartbreaking news that the baby I had been carrying for twelve weeks stopped growing at six. The official diagnosis was “embryonic demise”. I’ll never forget seeing those words on the paper that my midwife handed to me. I felt numb all over. It seemed as though all the emotions I had felt- the excitement, the love, the growing bond with this little child inside of me, had simply been a cruel joke.

We had no idea what was coming next, however. After going through the painful process of passing the baby, I began to hemorrhage. Badly. My husband and I waited a few hours because we weren’t sure what to do, but then I completely lost consciousness. The next few days were a blur of hospital rooms, exams, doctors, needles, IV fluids, blood transfusions, and then ultimately, a surgery to stop the bleeding. When we returned home, the process did not get any easier, as I had a long way to go to build my blood count back up. I am healing now, and the doctors have told me in about 2 more weeks I should feel completely back to normal.

Needless to say, I have had a great deal of time to think and process this experience. I am certainly still healing emotionally, and will be for some time I’m sure. But this blog has always been a place where I feel that I can be honest, and share what I am learning about life with you. So that’s what I would like to do now. I consider it a part of my healing process, and I truly hope that anyone who ever had had to go through this will be encouraged by my words as well. It may seem trite to put this into bullet points, but that is the best way I know how to synthesize the indescribable revelations I have received from this gut wrenching experience.

- I didn’t have a true, healthy fear of the Lord. I certainly do now. I read in Proverbs that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”, but I never truly understood what it meant. I am grateful that now I can grasp that, and stand in complete awe and reverence of the God who gives and who takes away.

- Life is a miracle, and life is fragile. I will never again take for granted the fact that a child can be conceived, grow and be born healthy. It is an utter miracle that everything works so perfectly as to make this happen. No one’s life is a waste- if you were born, God meant for you to be. Trust me.

- Good health is a blessing. I used to be so confident in my body, in my health, and my body’s ability to achieve things for which I took complete credit. I took pride in being healthy and fit. Being healthy isn’t wrong- but I now have a totally new understanding of who is in charge of my body. I can’t achieve a successful pregnancy just because I avoid bad foods and do yoga. God is in control of everything that happens to me, good or bad. And my attitude should be one of thankfulness for every day that I get to wake up and feel great.

- Sometimes, God grants us a severe mercy. We just have to be able to see it. I’m not sure why this happened to me, but I know that God is in control. All of the physical drama I went through took my focus off the miscarriage,  and helped me to see the bigger picture. Instead of waking up and mourning the loss of my child, I was just happy that I woke up at all. A whole new sense of perspective came from that experience. For some people it may just seem like one crappy thing after another, but I have to believe that God was trying to open my eyes, and help me see how He was working in the situation. Please don’t get me wrong- I am still so grieved over the loss. But I am grateful as well.

- We can choose how we respond. I could be angry, bitter and mad at God. I’m pretty sure nobody would fault me for that. But how does that help me? What kind of person does that turn me into? It is in the most scary and awful moments in life that we realize if our faith is actually real to us. Outside of that, it’s just words. But when I needed God, He was there. He comforted me when I was sick, and He gave me peace when I was scared. I made a decision that I was going to believe that God is good, no matter what my circumstances told me. Because that is the truth. And without it, I don’t know what I would do.

- I am a blessed woman. Throughout this ordeal, I have been surrounded by the love of family and friends, and the prayers of the saints. I have literally felt the healing prayers of friends in my physical body, and been nourished by the comforting words and tears of those who are grieving with me. I have been fed, literally, by the many hot meals that have been brought to my house. I have learned how to say “thank you”, and to receive from others. I have had conversations with my parents that have brought us closer, and I have witnessed my husband rise to the occasion as the amazing, strong, and loving man that he is. I have been humbled to recognize how blessed I truly am.

Meet My New Best Friend.

Published January 5, 2010 Food , Tips 3 Comments
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Yes my friends, this post is going to be an unabashed plug for this most amazing of machines- the Vita-Mix! (I am not getting paid to say any of this- if someone more savvy than me knows how to make that happen, please inform). I hadn’t heard of these power blenders until a few years back when my parents purchased one, and at the time I wasn’t too interested in what it could do for my health. But since I have been reading the Happy Foody blog lately and trying to incorporate more vegetarian items into my diet, I discovered the power drink: GREEN SMOOTHIES.

I made them with my normal blender for a while, but after making them with my parents’ Vita-Mix while at home on a weekend trip, the deal was done: I NEEDED one of these puppies. Not only did the Vita-Mix completely pulverize everything into the perfect smoothie deliciousness, it did it in record time. So I promptly added it to my Christmas list and prayed hard for a miracle.

The miracle came on Christmas day, and I could not believe it! Santa was good to me this year folks. So, for the last few weeks, I have been making green smoothies for breakfast, and loving how they make me feel. There is a great deal of information on the web if you just search under “green smoothie”, but it is basically a simple fruit smoothie with greens added to it to increase the nutritional value. I use this video recipe from Happy Foody, and always use baby spinach, as it’s flavor goes best with the fruit.

I have just started to branch out and make other recipes with the Vita-Mix, including an apple and butternut squash soup that I actually blended AND heated all in the Vita-Mix. It was delicious, although I probably added too much squash, because it was more like baby food than soup. But it tasted awesome! I can’t wait to try the other recipes included in the booklet. Some of them look seriously mouth watering. Here’s to a happy and healthy start to 2010, and to useful appliances and gadgets that make healthy eating easier and more fun!

Thoughts for a New Year

Published January 1, 2010 Life 2 Comments
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2009 was quite the rollercoaster year! A new puppy, resigning from my 3-year job, a month-long road trip across the country with my husband, switching church communities  and starting grad school again. My usual routine on the first of each year is to sit down with a pen and paper and write down all of the things I want to accomplish in the upcoming 12 months. My plans, books I want to read, places I would like to go, and items on my “checklist of life” that I would like to cross off. This morning, however, I just had a feeling that considering all the changes that have taken place in my life this past year and the ways I have grown, another list of “to-dos” just wasn’t going to work. As I was lying in bed, I instead began to think about who I want to be as a person in 2010. The following is that list. I hope it encourages you this year. Happy New Year to all!

Choose joy.

Live every moment intentionally.

Suck the marrow out of life- live in complete trust and without fear.

Love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.

Worship the Giver, not the gifts.

Make memories to last a lifetime.

Put people first.

Don’t be afraid to create.

Take risks- live into God’s adventure for you.

Let go of the things you can’t control.

See new places. And see the places around you with new eyes.

Never lose sight of the small miracles that happen every single day.

Give as much as you can and then some.

Remember where your true significance lies.

Strive for wisdom.

Don’t turn your dreams into expectations that you place upon God. Be open to His will and to change.

Seasons Change.

Published November 13, 2009 Inspiration , Life , Personal Stories 4 Comments
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dirtroad4The leaves here in Nashville have gone from subtle shades of brown to bright bursts of red and orange. Being in this city in the fall is one gorgeous experience. Fall is one of my favorite seasons. The crispness in the air, the glorious changing foliage, and the knowledge of the coming winter makes me want to be outside every minute.

It’s interesting to see how the new seasons bring changes in life. No matter how “stuck” I’ve felt in the past, I am starting to realize that nothing ever stays the same for long. This year has brought many changes in not only my outside circumstances, but in me as a person. It’s those everyday experiences, relationships and decisions that have shaped and changed me so much this year. It’s easy to say “I quit my job”, or “I’m back in school”, or, “we’re trying to start a family”,  but it’s hard to put into words all the things that I have learned about myself, and the complex and important things that have happened in my marriage, my friendships, and my walk with God. Those types of things are too deep to explain.

As I look back at this year, and look forward to the Christmas season and the ringing in of 2010, there are many things I am grateful for, and many things I am still clueless about. I guess if my experiences this year have taught me anything, it’s to savor every single day for what it is, and don’t just go through the motions. We make our lives what we want them to be, through our small little daily activities- what we eat, how we spend our money, the people we spend time with, the work that we do, the creative endeavors to which we give ourselves.

I work with an older woman,  helping her to organize her house and her stuff. One thing that I love about working with older people is that you get a sense of perspective. They have lived life, and seen more than you could ever imagine. One day we were going through her upstairs storage, and we found several boxes of the trips she had taken, with pictures and memorabilia. We had lugged most everything upstairs to the attic at that point, and I went to grab the boxes to take them up. She stopped me and said, “no, leave those down here- I like to look at them from time to time.”

Her husband had done quite well for himself, and I don’t think that she had to want for much throughout her life. In their younger years, she and her husband were part of the Nashville elite. One day I mentioned, “so you were pretty high society, huh? Must have been fun.” She looked me dead in the eyes and said “it was not fun at all.” I realized that no matter what earthly possessions she had, or what social circles she ran in,  nothing was more important to her now than the people in her life and the moments she created with them. I’m grateful to have gained that perspective this year, and I hope that I can live into that knowledge every day.

Many blessings to you as your seasons change!

Being Refined Hurts.

Published October 16, 2009 Christianese , Inspiration , Life , Spirituality 2 Comments
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57604_resized_refining_goldIt’s been a sort of a rough month just figuring out life as I should be living it right now, and I read this devotion in Streams in the Desert, which I am receiving daily in my inbox. This just really spoke to me, exactly where I am right now. I hope it encourages you as it has me.

He Refines Them

“God forbid that I should glory, save in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world is crucified unto me, and I unto the world” (Gal. 6:14).

They were living to themselves; self with its hopes, and promises and dreams, still had hold of them; but the Lord began to fulfill their prayers. They had asked for contrition, and had surrendered for it to be given them at any cost, and He sent them sorrow; they had asked for purity, and He sent them thrilling anguish; they had asked to be meek, and He had broken their hearts; they had asked to be dead to the world, and He slew all their living hopes; they had asked to be made like unto Him, and He placed them in the furnace, sitting by “as a refiner and purifier of silver,” until they should reflect His image; they had asked to lay hold of His cross, and when He had reached it to them it lacerated their hands.

They had asked they knew not what, nor how, but He had taken them at their word, and granted them all their petitions. They were hardly willing to follow Him so far, or to draw so nigh to Him. They had upon them an awe and fear, as Jacob at Bethel, or Eliphaz in the night visions, or as the apostles when they thought that they had seen a spirit, and knew not that it was Jesus. They could almost pray Him to depart from them, or to hide His awfulness. They found it easier to obey than to suffer, to do than to give up, to bear the cross than to hang upon it. But they cannot go back, for they have come too near the unseen cross, and its virtues have pierced too deeply within them. He is fulfilling to them His promise, “And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me” (John 12:32).

But now at last their turn has come. Before, they had only heard of the mystery, but now they feel it. He has fastened on them His look of love, as He did on Mary and Peter, and they can but choose to follow. Little by little, from time to time, by flitting gleams, the mystery of His cross shines out upon them. They behold Him lifted up, they gaze on the glory which rays from the wounds of His holy passion; and as they gaze they advance, and are changed into His likeness, and His name shines out through them, for He dwells in them. They live alone with Him above, in unspeakable fellowship; willing to lack what others own (and what they might have had), and to be unlike all, so that they are only like Him. Such, are they in all ages, “who follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth.”

Had they chosen for themselves, or their friends chosen for them, they would have chosen otherwise. They would have been brighter here, but less glorious in His Kingdom. They would have had Lot’s portion, not Abraham’s. If they had halted anywhere–if God had taken off His hand and let them stray back–what would they not have lost? What forfeits in the resurrection? But He stayed them up, even against themselves. Many a time their foot had well nigh slipped; but He in mercy held them up. Now, even in this life, they know that all He did was done well. It was good to suffer here, that they might reign hereafter; to bear the cross below, for they shall wear the crown above; and that not their will but His was done on them and in them. –Anonymous.

On Being “Unemployed”

Published October 10, 2009 Career , Economy , Life 6 Comments
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unemployment“So what do you do?” The dreaded question. It used to be so easy- I could just tell people the name and mission of my organization, and all the awesome things I was doing that made me sound really important and exceptional. These days, not so much. It’s tough to say what I “do” in one sentence. Sometimes I wish that question could be banned from casual conversation. In a perfect world, people at parties would ask each other, “where are you on your journey?” instead. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but it would give us all an opportunity to learn much more about each other as an introduction.

These days, I am, according to the U.S. Government, a statistic. I am part of that scary, rising “unemployment” percentage that you keep hearing on the news. But I didn’t get laid off, and I wasn’t fired. I quit. I quit a perfectly good full-time job, with no new job on the horizon, in this grizzly economy. (GASP!) Just to calm your nerves, we are still living in our home, and eating food (alot of Ramen, but I think that is still considered food).  Things are very tight, but we are making it.

I am back in school part-time working toward a Master of Divinity, so that when I graduate I can work in ministry, and possibly teach someday. I will be going full-time next semester. I am working part-time doing organizing for a private client, and  doing home health care, which doesn’t exactly give me many job boasting opportunities.  I am also volunteering some of my time with a pastor who is working with the homeless in Nashville. So as you can imagine, that dreaded question isn’t easy for me to answer, although I am more satisfied and excited about my life then I have been in a long time.

This quote from Mother Teresa gives me great inspiration:

“Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work.”

It seems as though in this society, our complete identities are wrapped up in what we “do”. It defines us. It is how people place us in a box, so that they can understand who we are in a neat, tidy way. But none of our lives are neat and tidy, whether we are part of the “workforce” or not. We have to stop and think about how we are labeling each other. The relationships that I cherish, the things that I am passionate about, those that I serve in ministry, and that which I love make me who I am. What I do flows out of that, but it is simply a product of those things. It does not define me. So next time you are at a party, and introducing yourself to someone, give them something that will make their jaw drop. It’s fun, I promise.

Calling All Morning People!

Published September 25, 2009 Life , Requests 10 Comments
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sleepy_flower_121906 I want to be a morning person, I really do. To me, there is something inexplicably wonderful about getting up early with the sun, experiencing the quiet of the morning, and checking five things off of the to-do list before 9am.

But I need help.

I just can’t do it. When I quit my full-time job, I promised myself that now that I was in charge of my daily schedule, I would go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am, every day. I would have some prayer time and bible study, take a leisurely morning walk with the dog, make a healthy breakfast, and check the morning news and my e-mail, all before 9am. I would be ready to walk out the door, looking fabulous within 3 hours. BUT IT HASN’T HAPPENED ONCE.

I have read books about sleep habits, planned a schedule, and bugged my husband to no end. But nothing is working. No matter how hard I try, (or don’t), I can’t seem to go to sleep before 11pm, and wake up before 8am unless I absolutely have to. And I have learned that I really need 8 hours, and ideally 9 hours of sleep to function well the next day. I know that’s ridiculous, but by age 28 I know my body, and it’s the truth.

So I am calling all morning people. How do you do it? What has worked for you? What hasn’t? If you have been getting up at 5am every day since you were 10 years old with a perky smile on your face, I don’t think you can help me. But anyone who has had to create new habits and rhythms to get up early, and not sacrificed too much sleep to do it, TALK TO ME! Life is too short, and I have too much to  accomplish in a day for this to persist. It’s intervention time. Don’t let me down.

Journey With Me to the Unsafe Places.

Published September 17, 2009 Christianese , Inspiration , Life , Nashville , Social Action , Spirituality , adventure 2 Comments
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0810tenta01A few weeks back, when Matt and I were visiting a church south of town, I “heard” the Lord say something to me during the service. Now keep in mind, I am Pentecostal, but it isn’t often that this happens. But I recognize it when it does. It’s not audible per se- it is just there, like a thought is being impressed into my mind so strongly that I cannot ignore it. What I heard was:

“Journey with me to the unsafe places.”

My immediate response was “I will”. That has, for most of my life (not counting a few rebellious periods) been my heart toward the Lord. I have vivid memories of praying when I was little and telling the Lord that I would go anywhere, and do anything He asked me to do. It didn’t matter what. But somewhere along the way, life got more complicated. And I began to play it safe.

For me, hearing this word at that particular time seemed strange. I had already quit my full-time job and taken a three-week journey across the country, encountering all types of exciting and “risky” moments. Wasn’t that unsafe? But what I realized is that was just the beginning. That physical journey was what it took for me to break free spiritually. That was the starting point of my new life of complete trust and abandon. Over the past six months, the Lord had simply been preparing me for it.

Interestingly enough, I am now volunteering with a local pastor who works with the homeless, impoverished and addicted individuals in Nashville. He spends his time between meetings with high-powered pastors and executives, and handing out blankets, clothes and food in forgotten places to forgotten people. He tells their story to anyone who will listen, and brings congregations together who want to make a difference in people’s lives. Yesterday we were driving in a really rough area, looking for a girl who is on the streets and suffering from addiction. As he got out of the car, he told me “don’t get out- I’ll leave the car on just in case.” And it hit me. The unsafe places.

The Lord was asking me to follow Him to those places both physically and spiritually. To go into the places where only His protection can cover me, where I am forced to fully trust Him.  To reach out to those who are in dangerous and precarious situations, who need to know that the only safe place they can turn is to Jesus. And to realize that like them, I must trust the Lord to pull me out of my own addictions- self-reliance, pride, materialism, envy, greed, and fear. We’re all the same underneath, and we all need to know that there is a God who loves us and will never steer us wrong. And even though life has thrown a few curveballs, I can plainly see God at work in every moment.

Nashville Could Use…

Published September 9, 2009 Uncategorized 7 Comments
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nashvilleDuring my trip I was able to see many of the major cities out west, as well as a few in the Midwest, and it got me thinking about my hometown and some improvements/additions that I would love to see take place. Nashville is a wonderful place to live, and I understand that every city has it’s unique offerings and strengths, but I couldn’t help to imagine Nashville with a few new exciting perks. I have only lived in Nashville for three years, so if you see a recommendation that actually already exists, please let me know! I might just be unaware.

1) Let’s give some love to the Riverfront! Being born and raised in Cincinnati, I have always enjoyed Sawyer Point and, now especially, the Newport on the Levee area. It seems to me that the only thing to do on the Cumberland downtown is see the backside of all the 2nd Ave bars. Let’s get a park, some greenspace, maybe even a fountain or something going on down there. I can picture a mini-version of Centennial Park on the river. Looks like Metro is working on this with a 20-year plan. Exciting!

2) A public swimming area for kids. Something where water squirts out of the ground, or some other structure. It’s fun, it’s free, and kids can’t get enough of it.

3) Bike trails. When we lived in Indiana, we would spend an entire day riding along the Monon Trail. Let’s build some greenways in the city, so Nashvillians can be more active and have more options for outside fun. Looks like Metro is working on it. I just might get involved here!

4) Better public transportation/mass transit. I know Nashville doesn’t hold a candle to Chicago in size or scope, but I must admit that jumping on the L was super easy and made getting around the city so much less stressful. Could we at least try for something like this? Is it even feasible?

5) More sophisticated nightlife options for locals. We’ve all been through this scenario- we go downtown to Broadway with a group of friends, hoping that this time around it might be more fun, but we are sorely disappointed as we sift through a crowd of intoxicated tourists with ten-gallon hats on. It’s just not right. We can do better than this Nashville.

6) More self-sufficient neighborhoods. Someday I would love to live in an area where I can ride my bike to the store, the library, the post office, etc. It seems as though there are only a few spots in Nashville where that is currently a possibility.

There you have it! I know that the city is planning many new things in the future, so I am excited to see what it will be like to be Nashvillian in 10 years from now.

Adventure Wrap-Up: Highlights, Reflections and Recommendations!

Published September 8, 2009 Food , Vacations , adventure , travel 2 Comments
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We are back home, and life is anything but normal. We have been on vacation from reality since the end of July, and although it is tugging at us, we are quite relentless at pushing it aside. We have had houseguests, been tourists in our own city, and gone out of town again. I thought it would be fun to mention some trip highlights, as well as sharing some wonderful places that you must visit if you are ever nearby.

Trip highlights:

Watching the sunset in New Mexico.

Putting up a tent for the first time with my wonderful husband.

Waking up in a tent and actually realizing that I got a decent night’s sleep.

Driving around the rim of the Grand Canyon at sunset in the rain.

Singing loud with the windows down.

Watching the water show at the Bellagio and remembering how much I love Frank Sinatra.

Two words: Bellagio buffet.

Riding bikes along the Santa Monica boardwalk.

Fabulous conversation over an impeccable meal with my cousin and hubby.

Seeing and catching up with so many wonderful and inspiring friends in California.

Going to Neverland Ranch. *sigh*

Getting lost in Sausalito and being totally okay with it.

Marveling at San Francisco Bay from the Golden Gate Bridge.

Jamba Juice. Every day.

Swimming in Jenny Lake in Desolation Wilderness with Matt and Phillip.

Napa. Ahhh Napa, you are a shrewd and enchanting siren indeed.

Getting lost on an Oregon logging road- not such a highlight, but an unforgettable memory nonetheless.

Enjoying Portland with Matt’s cousin’s, their beautiful children and their scrumptious dog Morsel.

Spending a weekend with my besties on Bainbridge Island/Seattle. The ferry rides will never be forgotten.

Celebrating the love and marriage of two wonderful people in the most scenic place imaginable.

Babies. (other people’s of course)

Wyoming: the most breathtaking and rugged place I’ve ever seen.

Matt pointing out the constellations to me at night in the Tetons.

Feeling like I could stare at the Tetons for a lifetime and never be tired of their beauty.

Driving through a South Dakota lightning storm (again, not such a highlight, but…)

Chicago. My kind of town.

Seeing Anna and her totally amazingly hip city apartment!

Spending time with my awesome family and celebrating love and marriage once again!

It’s crazy all of the memories that were made. I hope that I can hold them all for years, and draw on them when I’m having a bad moment. Thanks for sharing in it with me by reading! And now, for your pleasure, I will share with you some FABULOUS places to visit for food, and other various and sundry items. (Okay, mostly food.)

First of all, for any camping adventure you must have a Klean Kanteen. No questions asked. We loved them so much that when mine got stolen out of the car in L.A. (along with our iPods, AWESOME. Matt promptly drove us to the Santa Monica REI to replace it. Replacing the iPods will have to wait…)

Oklahoma City: Cattlemen’s Restaurant. For you beefeaters, there is no better burger in the west. Or midwest, whatever.

Las Vegas: Bellagio Buffet. Just trust me, there are many buffets in Vegas. This is it.

Los Angeles: LOTS of Jamba Juice.

San Francisco: Pompei’s Grotto in Fisherman’s Wharf. Amazing Crab Salad Sandwich and Clam Chowder.

Napa Valley: Rutherford Grill. Simply delectable. Try the French Dip. Fred, our vintner at Sullivan Vineyards, told us it is where all the locals eat. We actually saw him there.

Portland: Portland City Grill. Lovely views of the city and the mountains, excellent service, gourmet cuisine.

Seattle/ Bainbridge Island: Le Panier Bakery in Pike Place Market. I thought I was in France, and I never wanted to leave.

Edna’s Beach Cafe on Bainbridge Island. Wonderful atmosphere, great for large parties. Try the Mango Tango dessert!

Idaho: Moon Time in Couer d’ Alene. Great pub grub with flair.

Grand Tetons: Jackson Lake Lodge. Watch the sun set over the mountains, enjoy the ambience and a fun cocktail!

Jenny Lake Lodge. Order the nachos. You might pay for it later, but it is most definitely worth it.

Chicago: Blue Line Club Car in Wicker Park. Love it- awesome cocktails with a super trendy, city vibe. Try the Sangria!

Grand Lux Cafe. Feels like Cheesecake Factory, but better.

The Signature Room at the Ninety-Fifth in the Hancock Building. Go to the ladies bathroom. (Ladies only of course. Best view in town!)

There you have it my friends! The adventure is now wrapped up, and it lives in my memory and my iPhoto stockpile. Here’s to life after big adventures!

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Me and my awesome cousin Valerie!

We are offically back home!

Nashville- we have arrived

At the Signature Room in the Hancock Building

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